An Ode to Sweatin' to the Oldies 3
I don’t exercise. I should. I always read about how important it is but I don’t. I do yoga but cardio? If it isn’t dancing, no thank you. Who needs it? I’m gonna live forever. There is only one man who could ever inspire me to get off my ass and move around a little bit and that man is Richard Simmons.
Richard is energetic. Richard is fun. Richard is a lot. Richard has decided to step away from the public eye and I don’t blame him. He put everything he had into his work and now he wants a break. Let him breathe. He’s been sweating for 40 years. This piece is not intended to try and pull him out of retirement. It is merely a love letter to what I feel is his finest work: Sweatin’ to the Oldies 3.
From what I can tell, most people have never actually sweat to the oldies with Richard. They’ve seen him in interviews and judged him based on his antics. They think he’s a wild guy and aerobics are a joke. Let me tell you, I grew up doing those aerobics and they are no joke.
My mom owned two of Richard’s VHS tapes. Sweatin’ to the Oldies Volume 3 and Disco Sweat. Disco Sweat never really grabbed me but those Oldies hit hard. The tracklist is untouchable. We’re talking Rockin’ Robin, Do You Wanna Dance, I Get Around, California Dreamin’, just banger after banger. Beyond the playlist, the cast is full of stars. Diverse in age, size, and shape but all at an equal level of absolute ecstasy to be there dancing with Richard. How could they not be? He’s the funnest person who’s ever lived and he has a way of making you feel like he’s there just to sweat with you.
Today I want to introduce you to a few absolute stand outs of the cast and attempt to convey why they brought me so much joy and are still burned into my brain 20+ years later.
KIM SCHWARTZ - THE BOMBSHELL
In her cropped pink tank, denim shorts layered OVER bike shorts and french braid, Kim had such an allure to her. During “Louie Louie” Richard saunters to the front of the stage with Kim at his side for the vaguely sensual number. This was really Kim’s MOMENT. Everything about her was so unexpected. Do I think “workout class” and think “I’ll put on DENIM.”? Never. Do I think of a single french braid down the back of your head as the hairstyle of a vixen? No, of course not. But Kim is throwing curveballs at every turn.
LORI KLINE - THE KID
This little shit is just having so much fun. You want to hate her but her gleeful pigtails and horizontally striped shorts make it impossible. She’s a great representation of kids who didn’t necessarily do well in gym class but do have a lot of energy to get out. She’s so happy to be there. I’ve always speculated about which member of the cast was her mom/dad but knowing Lori, she probably hopped on the city bus and checked in on set all by herself. She’s street smart and she’s got spunk.
AARON MCALLISTER - THE KID’S OLDER BROTHER(?)
We may not know who her parents are but in my mind, Aaron was always Lori’s older brother. They have a few fun interactions and he seems like he’d be a nice older brother. Not too cool to hang with his li’l sis or accompany her to a dance class where she is the only child in attendance. He doesn’t do anything half assed. He commits and Lori really admires that about him. She hopes they’re best friends for life.
ELIJAH JONES - THE SUCCESS STORY
During the final soul train, you learn how much weight each dancer has lost while dancing with Richard. Elijah lost 300lbs. 300. Excuse me, Elijah? I remember pausing the VHS at this point just to marvel at that number. That is commitment. That is work. That is more work than I have ever done in my entire life. Elijah, you are not the most coordinated dancer but you know how to accomplish a GOAL. Your determination is an inspiration to anyone with a dream.
FRANK DUNCAN - THE THIGHS
I’m sure he has a lot to offer but all I’m focusing on is those LEGS. Damn, Frank. The tone, the sheer muscle mass. You’ve really been dancing for your motherfucking life. Frank has sweet dad energy. He also strikes me as one of those rare jocks that doesn’t suck. Since he’s your dad and the coach of the soccer team, everyone in town expects you to be the big soccer star. When you nervously admit to him you hate soccer and want to paint, he’s immediately setting up an easel for you in the garage and clearing a spot on the wall in the living room to hang your first piece.
JESSICA SIMMONDS - THE FUN TEACHER
I don’t know anything about Jessica but in MY narrative, she was the fun teacher. Not TOO fun. She had the respect of the class and she really gave you an education but she was a little silly and fun and sweet. She always started Monday with a cute story about her cat. She isn’t married but she’s engaged and you wish you were invited to the wedding. In her patterned leggings and her colour blocked t-shirt, she looks ready for a field trip to the museum and she really emotes with her face!
JACQUELYN LEVY - ABSOLUTE MVP
When I think about Sweatin’ to the Oldies 3, Jacquelyn’s face pops into my head immediately. With her hammer pants, bright yellow top and even brighter smile, NO ONE could outshine her. This is a person who can DANCE, like really dance and I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone having more fun in my entire life? Richard is an icon but I almost find myself watching Jacquelyn more than him. I really don’t know what else to say about her. She had a lasting impact on me, I think of her often and I hope she’s well.
To close out the most niche piece of writing I’ve ever done, I’d like to celebrate Richard for all the joy he’s brought into my world and also implore all of you to consider dancing with him for your next workout. Maybe you’re not coordinated, maybe you think you can’t dance but everyone is welcome in Sweatin’ Land. Let Richard lead you through what will likely be the most fun hour of your day.
(For the record, I would like to identify as a Kim but I know in my heart that I am a Jessica.)