30

I have this thing I do with my eyebrows. I sort of furrow just the right brow and squint a little. It’s a face I make when I’m unimpressed or confused or angry or trying to look interested or just sittin’ and thinkin’. I make this face a lot. It’s sort of goofy a lot of the time but it can also deliver a real “please fuck off” vibe when necessary. I’ve been making this face for as long as I can remember. 

When I was in my late teens/early 20s I routinely took selfies while making this face. My crush told me I was cute when I looked grumpy. In my mid-20s I started saying that I should probably stop making that face ‘cause I was gonna get weird wrinkles. And then a couple years later, there they were.

I was upset when I saw them coming in. I thought it made me look angry and old. It seemed very rude that this face that was apparently so cute had not aged well. After years of watching botched plastic surgery docs and wondering why anyone would ever choose this, I suddenly was having a slight understanding of why people got Botox. (For the record, I never actually considered getting Botox. Sincerely flattered if you thought I could afford it though.)

Intellectually, I know this shit doesn’t matter and I also know that I just got ID’d last week and, doubling back, this shit does not matter but I am a product of our society blahblahblah and I want to be young forever. 

Except with none of the bullshit of being young, right? I don’t want to get catcalled as much as I did when I was 20. I don’t want to eat $3 bags of greasy ass samosas for dinner 3 nights/week. And I will not waste another ounce of energy pretending to like bands or comedians because some man told me they were good. I will blast Carly Rae Jepsen 24/7 and I will loudly tell anyone who will listen that I do not care about Pink Floyd.

I am, by all means, still figuring shit out. I still feel like a teenager in a lot of ways but I’m starting to think maybe that never goes away. Maybe we all just kind of bumble along until we die and then you’re just gone and you’re like “that was weird.”

Anyway, today I’m 30 and all I’ve really learned is that acting miserable all the time as a bit will make you miserable, you should not do stuff you reaaaaaally don’t want to do (like, you should push yourself sometimes but if your friend is like, “will you come help me stalk this guy today, I’ll buy you lunch” you can and probably should say no to that), and you’re not gonna die if you just sit your ass down on a public toilet seat. Like, great thigh exercise but who has time to hover? Also, hoverers, can you please wipe your goddamn pee off the seat? Your stream isn’t as steady as you think it is.

Goals for my 30s? Read more, eat better, maybe think about exercise as an option, and stop worrying about your “wrinkles”. 70 year old you will think you’re a fucking idiot.